Dear Tobin,

As usual, your month has been full of activity. You’ve been that way since you were born. Actually it’s been since before you were born. You were a very wiggly fetus. I swear you broke my water with an extra-powerful kick from the inside. I’ve said it suits you that your name sounds like a verb. You’re always Tobin’ over here, Tobin’ over there, Tobin’ all over the place.

This month’s adventures have included a lot of outdoor playing with your friend Kit. It’s been a mostly-nice fall, but today is really quite abysmal. It hasn’t stopped you, though I did insist on driving you over to Kit’s house rather than sending you on your bike. You two like to hang out in his garage and talk about Minecraft and all kinds of other things. Lately you’ve been training for his Olympics-themed birthday party, which is coming up soon. I hope you have the good sense to keep your training limited to the garage today, though. I don’t want the job of cleaning your sneakers if they get really muddy in the rain.

We also had a good time hanging out at Lake MacBride state park with Suzy and Joe. They came to the area to do some camping and to attend our Family Folk Machine concert, and we joined up with them at their campsite. You had a ton of fun hiking (in much more precarious areas that I wished you had chosen), chopping wood for the fire, and playing with your new pocket knife. You’re social and outdoorsy, so these kind of activites have been perfect for you. All signs are pointing to FDA emergency approval of the Pfizer vaccine for your age group soon, so I hope by this time next month, I can include a picture of you with your first vaccine in your arm. It will certainly be good for you to be able to return to a more normal life, because as winter comes on, it won’t be practical for you to play outside so much. You’re also looking forward to returning to in-person school, which we expect will happen in early January, after winter break.

Not surprisingly, your one regret about leaving your online fourth grade class is leaving the friends you’ve made there. I’m guessing many of them will return to in-person school around the same time as you, so it doesn’t really influence your decision, but you’ll still miss them. You’ve spoken a lot about a certain Harriet. We know she lives in our neighborhood, so it won’t be too hard to get together at the park or something in the future. She’s also likely to attend the same junior high as you. Two and a half years from now probably sounds like forever to you, but I know from experience that the day will come swiftly.

Photo by Gary Clarke

A big milestone for you was your first time playing with the Family Folk Machine band. As we were getting organized for this fall’s all-outdoor session, our director suggested that family groups do a song. Our concerts often involve small-group numbers, usually made up of volunteers from the choir at large. Our director thought it would be easier to handle the rehearsal process this time around if the groups were family-based, so we signed up for an old favorite: “Ain’t No Hole in the Washtub,” from Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas. That decision came right around the time you started bass lessons, and with some help from your bass teacher, I put together a part for you. You practiced really hard and absolutely nailed it at the performance. The band leader even set the tempo faster than you were used to, but you didn’t let it throw you. Afterward, you got so many compliments, and you were flying high for days. Your bass teacher even gave you a thoughtful note and a Dairy Queen gift card to celebrate your success. You were rightly proud of yourself, and I was so proud of you too.

Providing further evidence of your hard-working attitude is your readiness for taekwondo testing. You will be testing for your green belt later this week, and your teachers are certain that you’re well-prepared. Your taekwondo studio is conservative about testing. They only let students test if the instructors truly believe they’re ready, and no one is pressured to test if they don’t want to. You are definitely ready, though. After a brief setback due to a foot injury (nothing serious; you just needed to rest), you’re excited to move to the next level. We’re making a one-time exception to our “no indoor stuff for unvaccinated children” rule for your testing, since masking is required at taekwondo. After that you’ll probably take a break from class until your vaccination series is complete. You seem okay with that, though I know you’re excited to move forward in the line when you return to class.

Though the weather has now turned, we had a glorious day yesterday. We gardened and did yard work, and you took great joy in raking up leaf piles for Callum to jump in. I have a great picture of you two hugging among the leaves, but I’ll save it for next month, because it technically happened in your 123rd month of life. Rest assured it was an organic moment, two brothers happy and having fun together on a beautiful day. You are always ready to lend a hand, to pitch in and help.

Halloween is coming, and you’ve chosen to be some character from some Anime show I know nothing about. However, Google Images is my friend, and I’ve got your costume almost ready. I think you’ll probably go trick-or-treating this year. Our community has a high vaccination rate, and if you’re masked, it should be fine. Either your dad or I can do the part of grabbing the candy for you if the situation seems dodgy. One important clue is that we will avoid houses with lawn signs for the anti-mask school board candidate. It’s useful information.

Your current favorites: watching Pokémon with Callum, online and in-person playdates with your friends, Minecraft, chips and salsa, the Spy School book series, the TV adaptation of the A Series of Unfortunate Events book series, peanut butter crackers with milk, and helping me make stir-fry. You’re a helper all-around. Your smile makes even gloomy days bright.

Love, Mom

Dear Callum,

I wouldn’t have predicted it a year ago, but your biggest challenge in your first grade online learning class is keeping your mouth shut. I don’t think you said a word for the whole first trimester of kindergarten, but now, you can’t resist unmuting yourself and chiming in on every little thing. It can be disruptive to the learning environment, and we’re working on it, but secretly I’m glad you feel comfortable participating so actively. Your teacher is great, and you have some of our old friend-teachers for your specials, and overall you’re learning a lot. I’m very impressed with how fluent and confident you’ve gotten with reading. We’ve been taking turns reading books at bedtime, and you have no problem with those. Most of them are familiar favorites, of course, but you’ve been doing well reading new books aloud in school as well. You’ve really been enjoying the Mercy Watson book you’ve been reading, and it’s inspired you to eat toast “with a great deal of butter.”

I hope at this time next month I’m writing about you having completed your first COVID vaccine, or at least that we have it on the schedule. All signs point to it being available some time in the next several weeks. That’s going to be a huge relief for our family. As I mentioned above, online learning is going great for you, but it’s something I hope you don’t do indefinitely. The school district has amended its previous plan of only allowing changes between learning modes at the trimester marks. Instead, they plan to have a start date in early January, or whenever the vaccine has been available to kids your age long enough for you to have gotten two doses plus the two-week wait. That will be a tough decision for us. I would love for you to have a traditional school experience, but it might be hard on you to be a “new kid,” as most students are doing in-person learning now. We’ll see how it goes. Tobin definitely wants to go back to school as soon as possible, but he has the advantage of returning to a grade full of his old friends. I don’t think there are many of your old preschool classmates who will return to that elementary school, and even if there were, do you even remember the kids from preschool any more?

You are a sweet-hearted little person. Today we were talking about the difference between “thanks” and “thank you.” You described “thank you” as more tender. I gave the example that if you dropped your pencil and I picked it up for you, it would be perfectly fine to say “thanks.” However, if I worked really hard on a special birthday cake for you, it would be nice to say, “Oh, thank you so much.” You smiled and agreed, and you even teared up a little imagining such a moment.

Another emotional event for you was when you voted on what your school mascot should be. The online program is a permanent addition to our school district, and they’re treating it as its own school, so it needs a mascot. You were having a hard time deciding between the two choices. You liked the idea of the Otters, because otters are so cute, but in the end you said, “I voted for the owls. I just had to do it for Pengwee.” Pengwee is your stuffed owl, and once again, you got a little tearful thinking about how much you love that guy. Fortunately for your tender heart, the Owls won. You and Pengwee were happy to hear it.

You’ve decided to be Luigi for Halloween, and we’ve been working on your costume. Check this space next month for pictures. We bought a set with a hat, gloves, and an adhesive mustache, but we’re making the overalls. You tried them on today so I could check the fit, and you’re awfully cute. You even found a vacuum cleaner attachment downstairs, and you want to carry it around in order to emulate Luigi in his role in Luigi’s Mansion. In that game, he carries around a tool that sucks up ghosts. You assured me that it was very appropriate, since Halloween is a time when you’re quite likely to run into a ghost. I think we will do traditional trick-or-treating this year (which makes me wonder whether we should put the adhesive mustache on your mask). Maybe your dad or I can accept the treat on your behalf and the home occupant can appreciate your costume from an appropriate social distance.

Your current favorites: playing outside, crafting various weapons and toys for yourself, Minecraft, YouTube, the math games on Dreambox, taking showers, and the movement activities you do with your classmates on GoNoodle. You never met a stick you didn’t want to pick up and swing around. We went on a walk to gather fall leaves for an art project, and you have different standards than I do about what makes a collectable leaf. “It has so many holes!” you said as you put another brown, crunchy leaf in the bag.

I love the enthusiasm you have for your world, Callum. I know it can be hard to be quiet, and we’ll keep working on timing your school contributions appropriately. You’re so much fun, and I’m so glad we have a jolly little guy like you at our house.

Love,

Mommy

My dear child,

As usual, fall is speeding by. You’re in that transitional age where you aren’t quite sure what you want to do for Halloween. You’re vaccinated, so that opens up the options somewhat, but it doesn’t help you make a decision. You might want to go trick-or-treating one last time, or there’s also a school party, or you may just want to hang out with friends, or maybe nothing at all. You haven’t chosen a costume, so if you want help with one, we need to get on that. I put a ton of work into your costume last year, so I’m pushing for you to reuse that one, but we’ll see what happens.

You seem to have developed a strong friend group. I think your friends are encouraging you to push some boundaries in terms of your personal identity, which is normal and natural at your age. I remember trying to sort myself out and figure out who I wanted to be when I was in that life stage. It’s required some adjustments here in our family as you try out different elements of identity. You feel impatient with us when it’s hard to keep up. While I don’t know yet what your future holds, I’m certain of one thing: your dad and I will always, one hundred percent love and support you. I think you know that, and that’s why you’ve felt comfortable telling us about the various thoughts you’re having about your life. The details are yours to share, not mine, but always know that I have your back.

We know the family of one of your good friends pretty well, and I’ve talked to his dad about some of the challenges that come with raising our kids right now. There’s something of a generational gap, which I guess happens with every generation. I think about what a shock it probably was to my grandparents’ generation when so many of their children turned their backs on the predominant values of the time in order to protest the Vietnam war and racial injustice. Your friend’s family, your dad and I agree that your friend group is a solid and supportive one. You’re all good kids who are learning about yourselves and learning to navigate in the world. I’m proud that you’re someone who cares about justice for all, and I think your friend group promotes those values. You’re also good about wearing your mask.

Truly, you’ve never seemed happier. You seem to be enjoying the extracurricular activities you’ve been doing, including a special band event when you played with the high school marching band before a football game. You’ve been having fun at Geek Club, and while your Dungeons & Dragons group has ended for the time being, I could see you getting back into that. The leader of your previous group said he thought you were ready to be a Dungeon Master yourself. You enjoy the long walks to and from school with your friends. I have so many things to worry about (when a vaccine will be available for younger kids, the general state of Iowa, the U.S., and the Earth, and why organic fruit goes bad so quickly, among other things). I’ve decided to embrace your general happiness and let the rest work itself out.

Some of the most heartwarming moments for me are when I see you laughing and joking with your brothers. You and Tobin sometimes clash, but you also having a running banter that can be pretty funny. You’re both getting better at the dishing-out/taking-it balance, and even though it kind of drives your dad and me crazy, it seems to entertain you two. You’ve also been really sweet with Callum lately. You do funny voices to entertain him, and I could tell it made you feel proud when he chose you to interview for a school assignment. As a first-grader, his questions weren’t particularly incisive, but your birthday and the fact that you learned to walk when you were one are now documented.

You seem to have no qualms about discussing it openly, so I’ll mention here that you have mild-to-moderate scoliosis. It’s nowhere near as severe as your dad’s was, and your doctor is confident that if you wear your brace and do your physical therapy exercises, you won’t need surgery. We’re fortunate in that a world-renowned spinal surgeon, the very person who did your dad’s spinal fusion surgery thirty years ago, is at our local hospital. Your dad requested that your appointments be with him, and while he’s probably over-qualified for your case, it can’t hurt to be seen by the best. We’re expecting to get your brace later this month. Modern braces are a lot less obvious and enormous than ones I remember people having when I was young, and you really don’t seem too stressed out about it. I hope that remains true after you get it. You’re supposed to wear it sixteen hours a day, which means you could not wear it to school as long as you put it on right away after getting home. Another possibility would be sleeping with it off and wearing it the rest of the time. We’re just going to have to experiment and see how it works best for you.

It seems like a lot for a thirteen-year-old to deal with, but so far your attitude has been good. I took you for your first physical therapy appointment last week, and you mentioned that your friend also does physical therapy. I’m glad you’re not feeling stigma, and once again, that you have an open and supportive friend group.

Your current favorites: playing Super Mario Brothers, Minecraft, pasta, barbecue chips, spending the absolute minimum time at family-togetherness events like cocktail hour and dinner, your video production class at school, throwing your socks around like a maniac, ice cream, and hanging out with your friends after school.

I love you and am so proud of you, my sweetheart. From the day you were born, I’ve never wanted you to be anyone except exactly who you are. I’m so lucky I get to join you on your journey.

Love,

Mom