Dear Artie,

It occurs to me that this is your last monthly letter of your thirteenth year. Just a month from now, you’ll be fourteen and over halfway through eighth grade. Things have really been going well for you lately. We got your first trimester grades, and you got straight-As (with one A- in P.E. and several A+s in other subjects). You seem to be enjoying school a lot, and a recent email from your principal reminded me that you’ll soon be registering for classes at the high school. On one hand, that’s hard for me to fathom. On the other hand, you’ve grown a lot lately. I was trying to get a Christmas card organized, which I still haven’t finished, and I put a search filter on my photos to find ones of you from 2021. You look noticeably different in the photos from around your thirteenth birthday, to the extent that I had to reject those because they would give our friends and family a false impression of you.  You’re growing up, for sure, and it won’t be long before the high school is just the right place for you.

At a recent scoliosis check-up, they measured you at 5’5.5″, which is creeping dangerously close to my own height. I think you’ve already passed both your grandmothers, and if your hands and feet are any indication, you’re not done growing. Your spine seems to be responding well to treatment. I’m so proud of the maturity you’ve displayed regarding your regimen. You don’t complain about wearing your brace for the prescribed hours or doing physical therapy. Your recent X-rays show that your brace is effectively holding your spine in position, so as long as you continue to wear it faithfully and do your exercises as your growth continues, you’re on track to have a straight spine without needing surgery. I was worried that you would feel self-conscious, but you told your friends right away and showed them when you wore it to school. You’ve decided to wear it over night rather than to school during the day, but I think that’s more of a convenience issue than from any kind of embarrassment. You seem confident and unbothered by it from a social perspective.

I admire that about you. At your age, I don’t think I would have had that self-assuredness. I remember it being a big deal in eighth grade when I took the brave stand of quitting the practice of tight-rolling my jeans (honestly, what were we thinking with that style? I can’t believe it took me as long as it did to quit). I don’t know if it’s something inherent in your personality, the effort that your school puts into supporting self-expression and condemning bullying, or the support you get from your friends. In any case, I’m proud of you.

Your dad has been taking you to your orthopedist appointments, and I’ve been handling your appointments with the physical therapist and doing your PT with you at home in the evenings. I don’t mind helping you with it, because it’s ten minutes a day when I just stand (or sit, depending on the exercise) with my hands on your ribcage and feel you breathe. During your infancy, I worried all the time about SIDS. Of course, I did all the things I was supposed to do to reduce the risk (putting you on your back to sleep, breastfeeding, not exposing you to cigarette smoke), but to some extent, it was out of my control. I spent many, many hours with my hand on your tiny ribcage, verifying that it was still expanding and contracting.

A lot of things seem out of my control right now. Some of that is natural and healthy. Of course I want you to develop your own interests, have friends, and have adventures without your family. That kind of loss of control, while uncomfortable, also has a sense of correctness to it. It’s in tune with the natural order. Other things, like COVID and school shootings, are far from what I can intellectualize as appropriate. I can’t control every bit of your behavior, and I certainly can’t control the behavior of others outside our family. But I promise that if you ever ask for help, if you’re hurt and struggling, I will find a way to help you. My heart aches so much for the devastated people in Michigan, where a desperate kid asked for help, and his garbage parents did nothing but encourage the mindset and behavior that led to his murderous rampage. I wish you didn’t live in a world where school shootings happen so often.

You are good about wearing your mask, though, so that helps my brain a little. You’ve been invited to some social gatherings lately. While I don’t love the idea of you congregating in large groups (especially in busy restaurants and other public spaces that don’t have the mask mandate in place at your school), I have the impression that you’re trust-worthy about keeping your mask on. Obviously that only helps to a certain extent; for mask-wearing to be a truly effective public health strategy, everyone needs to practice it. But, as I mentioned above, I have no influence over the general population. I’m just glad you’re willing to make some compromises in exchange for the privilege of some new freedoms. I’m doing the same thing: I am compromising some of my own desire to wrap you up in a blanket and hug you all day, safe in our home, in exchange for the privilege of one day having your smart, kind, independent adult self in my life.

I have made it quite clear that you are always welcome with me. No matter where I am, there will always be a place for you. Even if it’s metaphorical, you can be with me.

Your current favorites: Mario Maker (including lots of time watching Callum play the levels you built), the cartoon Phineas and Ferb, online and in-person hangouts with friends, pasta, Goldfish crackers, watching the show Psych with your dad and Tobin, and doing the same sight gag every time we do physical therapy. It involves acting like you’re going to fall over while you’re strapped to the leg of the piano. It’s kind of goofy, but you put up with my frequent repetitions of the facts that 1. I like doing PT because I sort of get to hug you, and 2. my favorite exercise is the one where we lie on the floor. We’re even.

Thank you, my dear, for not being too cool to do family stuff with us. I try not to force it, because you do get grumpy with us somethings and decline to participate, but just as often you show up without complaint. I enjoyed getting our Christmas tree from our favorite local farm with you, and you chipped in on the tree-decorating efforts at home, too. I hope you look back on these years, which are difficult for every teenager but are particularly difficult during these current events, and know that your family (and most, most, most especially your mama) has your back.

Love,

Mom