Stuff My People Say update
November 11, 2020:
Callum made a pair of glasses out of glowsticks and was very excited about them.
Callum: Which do you love more, me or the glasses?
Aprille: You. Which do you love more, me or the glasses?
Callum: Both. I love BOTH more.
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November 9, 2020
At bedtime:
Aprille: I love you, Miles.
Miles: Okay.
A: Someday you won’t have me and you’ll regret missing all those opportunities to say, “I love you too, Mom.”
Callum (shakily): Won’t…have you?
A (trying to avoid a mortality meltdown): I just mean when he gets married and moves away someday.
C: I don’t think Miles will ever get married.
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November 5, 2020
The kids and I were talking about famous people we’d like to get to know better.
Aprille: I’d like to have coffee with Michelle Obama.
Miles: I’d have coffee with the Obama daughters. They don’t have to be as careful about what they say.
Callum: NO. Don’t have coffee. It’s TOO HOT!
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October 17, 2020
Tobin was going through kitchen cabinets as we prepared to make pumpkin bars and he spotted my Instant Pot.
T: Oh, the Under Pressure cooker!
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October 5, 2020
Scene: the dinner table. Miles and Tobin were making the argument that Miles should get a phone.
T: Miles should get a phone now because then I can get a phone at twelve.
C: I should get a phone at FIVE!
A: I thought you were five-and-a-half.
C: No, I mean at five o’clock!
—
October 3, 2020
Callum and I were making Kool-Aid.
C: It’s weird that it’s called “Tropical Punch” when it doesn’t have any pickles in it.
(Say it out loud.)
—
September 20, 2020
Callum and I were playing soccer at the park. He was goalie. I mostly kicked the ball very gently right to him so he could succeed, interspersed with a few legit scores for verisimilitude.
C: Why are moms so much worse than kids at soccer?
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August 21, 2020
Tobin opened a birthday card from his Nana that included a generous gift.
A: Wow! Are you going to write her a thank-you note?
T: I’m going to make a card with sparkles and rainbows and CLOCKS.
—
August 4, 2020
C: I saw my butterfly friend but I didn’t hug him.
A: Yeah, we don’t usually hug butterflies, because their wings are so delicate. It would be easy to accidentally hug them too hard.
C: I mean a social distance hug.
—
July 31, 2020
Callum: You know what would be a treasure if you didn’t have any hair?
Aprille: What?
Callum: A wig.
—
July 30, 2020
Callum, on the topic of his stuffed bunny:
C: He’s four.
A: Oh, so about preschool age? Are you going to teach him, since you’ve already been to preschool so you know what preschoolers need to learn?
C: He’ll need to do a Zoom session.
—
July 28, 2020
Miles and Callum were playing a Nintendo game together.
C: Yoshi was being really durmatic.
M: DURmatic?
C: He was being really drama-ed.
M: Drama-ed?
C: They mean the same thing.
—
July 25, 2020
At dinner, on the topic of corn on the cob:
A: By the end of the season at the Farmers Market, they’re throwing it at you.
C: (in abject horror) Throwing it at you? That’s SO RUDE.
—
July 8, 2020
Tobin has been using DuoLingo to study Spanish this summer. Today he used that knowledge to make a joke:
The raccoon walked up to the pond and said, “Oooh, pescado.” The fish swam away. The raccoon said, “Dang it, I should have said ‘pez.'”
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June 29, 2020
I was telling the kids about a Simulated Patient job I have tomorrow.
A: I have to pretend I have a bad stomach ache.
C: But really you have a GOOD stomach ache.
—
June 23, 2020
At dinner:
Tobin: The different kinds of flavors are sweet, salty, bitter, savory, and ice cream.
(Tobin has made this joke many times, and we tittered politely.)
Miles: A lot of those start with S.
Callum: Not bitter.
Miles: What does bitter start with?
Callum: Buh…buh…B!
Miles: (joking) No, I think it starts with J.
Aprille: What would it sound like if it started with J?
Callum: Juh…juh…JOE MAMA!
—
June 5, 2020
We were playing Catch Phrase, one of those games where you describe a word and your teammate has to guess it.
Aprille: It’s the bottom part of your leg…and it really hurts when you get kicked there…
Tobin: THE NUTS!
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May 26, 2020
C: You should not get a walrus because it would break all the pictures and spread glass all over the house and it would be really hard to clean up and that is another idea why you should not get a walrus.
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May 19, 2020
T: Is it “treadmell” or “treadmill”?
A: Treadmill.
T: Oh. *shrug* Live and learn.
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May 14, 2020
Callum trotted into the room and plopped onto the couch next to me.
C: I just wanted to say, Mom, lovely heart…can I have a granola bar?
A couple of moments later…
A: Is it good?
C: Magnificent!
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May 7, 2020
Callum: It’s kind of weird that water puts out fire, but fire melts ice.
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May 4, 2020
Tobin: I hope [coronavirus] doesn’t last until I’m an adult. It would be hard to have a love life.
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April 25, 2020
Preschool games in the time of Coronavirus:
Callum and I just finished a round of “This Little Piggy” on his toes, including the roast beef part.
C: Imagine if he got take-out for his family. I guess he could just order it on his computer.
—
April 18, 2020
We were playing Pictionary. Nobody could figure out what Callum had drawn.
C: I’ll give you guys a clue. It’s a room.
D: is it the kitchen?
C; No.
M: Is it my room?
C: No.
T: is it the bathroom?
C: Yes. It has a toilet.
D: A toilet?
C: And not just any toilet. A sneezing toilet! See the sneeze lines?
—
April 11, 2020
You know it’s a special occasion when…
Tobin: I’m going to wear pants for the Zoom meeting.
—
February 25, 2020
Tobin got home from taekwondo.
A: Hi, Tobin. How was taekwondo?
T. Good. In fact, it was particularly good.
A: Why’s that? Good workout? Had fun? Saw your friends?
T: I don’t know. I just said it because…you know. I like saying stuff.
He does, in fact.
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February 16, 2020
A: I love you.
C: I love you more than six million six thousand Earth planets.
C: I love you more than six million six thousand Earth planets.
—
February 13, 2020
Callum and I saw two bald eagles soaring over the river today.
C: Do they go everywhere?
A: I think they like to stay near the water so they can eat fish.
C: JUICY fish?
—
February 6, 2020
C: Knock knock.
M: who’s there?
C: Fruit.
M: Fruit who?
C: Fruit hugging.
C: Why do rats like Valentine’s Day?
M: Why?
C: Because they fart on the cake.
Miles made one up too.
M: Why do cameras never wear pants?
A: Why?
M: Because they’re always flashing.
—
January 5, 2020
Tobin and I have been watching old episodes of King of the Hill together lately. Today we saw the one where Hank got a prosthetic with padded inserts to address his Diminished Gluteal Syndrome.
T: If Hank has such a small butt, why did it look normal when he mooned the governor?
I’m so proud that he’s noticing internal inconsistencies regarding the butt size of fictional characters. The great Ann Richards did do a guest spot for the mooning episode, though.
—
December 21, 2019
T: Why is Thomas Edison so spooky when he’s a teacher?
A: Why?
T: Because he’s Mister-E.
—
December 20, 2019
We’ve been having problems with losing things around the house lately. The most recent was Callum’s beloved bottle of hand sanitizer.
A: Why have we been losing so much stuff lately? Is there a gremlin running around stealing things?
C: Where is he? Did you seen him outside?
A: Oh, I’m just kidding. Gremlins aren’t real.
C: Well, that’s a relief.
(We found the hand sanitizer on the shoe cabinet. Still no sign of Denny’s notebook or the kids’ school photos.)
—
December 19, 2019
Callum, on the topic of Tobin: “Why does he never get tired?”
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November 21, 2019
The boys and I had a chance to meet
Tara Dutcher
‘s new dog, Maxwell, this afternoon.
M: Did you like meeting that dog?
C: Yes.
M: Do you remember his name?
C: Tell me.
M: I’ll give you a clue. It starts with muh, muh, muh.
C: Max!
M: Yes. Do you remember the second part of his name?
C: Maxican?
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November 21, 2019
T: Hair is dead skin. That’s why it doesn’t hurt when you cut it.
M: It hurts my soul.
—
Novembe 18, 2019
Callum went out for a special breakfast this morning with Denny and Papa. Later, as I was getting him ready for school…
A: Did Daddy brush your teeth this morning?
C: Yes, but don’t ask him.
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